To hijack the words of Meredith Grey’s mother from Grey’s Anatomy (a personal favourite): “Infertility [life] is like a carousel, it keeps on turning. You can’t ever get off”.
I did step off the carousel briefly but I am now back on. I have moved between eight horses: Endometrial cysts on my ovaries leading to diminished ovarian reserve; failure to conceive naturally; ridiculously low sperm and motility; failed ICSI cycle with four eggs and zero fertilisation; discovery of an ejaculatory duct obstruction and resulting surgery which returned hubby’s sperm count to quasi normal; ICSI round two with four eggs and two embryos yields no pregnancy; third ICSI with four eggs and one embryo. Miraculously I’m pregnant with M (a little boy). Second frozen embryo returned from ICSI two is negative; keep trying every month naturally while planning next ICSI (it keeps us regular so no downside). Unbelievably – a surprise pregnancy – ends in sad miscarriage at nine weeks in March 2015. Round two of trying naturally underway.
Why I am I sharing this? Two reasons – this has been a significant part of defining me for the last nine years and secondly, given how many issues we have encountered, if it helps one person, that makes me happy. If you are seasoned carousel rider, the jargon above will make perfect sense. For those who are just getting on, it’s worth remembering that some people’s rides are shorter than others and yours may well stop quicker than mine so don’t lose heart. For those who haven’t experienced infertility and never take that ride, be respectful when interacting with those of us who have been through this. Think and speak without assumption, try to put yourself in our shoes and imagine your questions being asked of a barren you before you initiate any related conversations.
I am naturally an optimist which has helped and there isn’t a time when I don’t feel lucky to have had a child. I have learnt that the infertility process is a journey not a destination and more easily tolerated when thought of over the course of all treatment options or years rather than month to month or procedure to procedure. A doctor once said to me: “IVF is science not luck, the more research and experiments you do, the more likely you are to have a successful outcome. Chin up – it’s a numbers game!”
I think that the human body is made to heal itself and often it’s the small details that make the biggest difference. Cuts heal, colds get better and viruses vanish so surely this holds true for other conditions? I have and continue to research and hypothesise around why my or my hubby’s bodies aren’t doing what nature intended and it has led me down a number of roads from gluten free to acupuncture to herbal supplements. If it wasn’t for this we never would have found out about my husband’s obstruction (we booked in a private appointment with an urologist against our fertility clinics advice) or my gluten intolerance (my endometriosis disappeared after I gave it up and I attribute my surprise pregnancy in part to this).
Arguably, this is my way of staying in control and it may well be that I have no control over that horse firmly bolted down to the carousel being impaled by a pole. But I reckon it makes the repetitive circular motion of the carousel, contrived music and the face painted horses a bit more bearable.
mummingbird 